I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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