Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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