I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
