Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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