In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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