i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
