so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
