just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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