Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
