I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize