Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
