you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That was before I lit my hair on fire
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
