Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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