I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
