so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize