This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
