Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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