believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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