he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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