Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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