I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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