hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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