you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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