You made me cry and you don't even care
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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