I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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