it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
