Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
