K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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