so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
