There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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