if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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