Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
