Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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