I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
