Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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