You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
