Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Randomize
