he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Actions speak louder than pants.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
