Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Hippo gnu deer
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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