I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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