Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
