dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
