can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
