I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
