and she was petting her beer can
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Are we still banned from the library?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
