One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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