Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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