Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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