i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
two words...techno handjob
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Never let your siblings swipe right.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
