be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
