Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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