you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
