im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
