Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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