One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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