he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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