i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
