You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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