so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
