I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize