New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Mom said you looked used
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
